Breaking Points - Happy Three Weeks

Happy Three Weeks, Emily

Today I hit a breaking point. It seems my room has been a gathering spot for my other two girls, which would be fine if only they kept it clean. Instead, food is brought in, dishes, art projects left, and I end up flustered. Whenever Emily sleeps, if I'm not sleeping also, I try to work on getting the house clean... but today I reached deep frustration. I felt like every time I cleaned and the girls went out there it was a mess again. To top it off, I walked in to the girls bathroom (that my oldest swore she cleaned) only to have to call her back in to clean the sink and pick up some garbage on the floor. I took one look at her room that she also swore was clean, and grabbed a trash bag. In tears I started tossing things, anything out of place, which most of it was garbage anyway. I called her in to her room, I moved a big picture frame I need to hang up only to find dirty clothes and trash behind it. UGH!!

I cried, I ranted, and just sent the girls outside. When they came back in they were loud, "Are you TRYING to wake up the baby??? I have a moment to actually clean because she's sleeping, and you guys are trying to wake her up??"

Emily, I could have kissed her. Not only did she stay asleep as I raged through the house throwing things away, sweeping, and vacuuming... she also stayed asleep while I made myself something to eat and bake some snacks to take with me tonight. See, I'm off to see the Twilight series tonight (she's coming with me) and I'm trying hard not to break and eat at the restaurant we're all stopping at, nor break when there's popcorn and soda.

I did feel overwhelmed today. And it's been a while since I cried like that. Hopefully when I clean my room back up again and try my best to keep the other two girls out I'll feel better. Keep the girls out... easy to say when I'm flustered, but I enjoy having them with me. Somehow I need to be stronger at guiding their trash in to the garbage, dishes in to the sink, and dirty clothes in to the laundry room.

Thank you Emily for being so super good while I cleaned, baked, and regained my composure :)

Fears and Scares

One of my biggest fears is to find Emily stopped breathing. I think this is a normal fear among parents, I still find myself checking Katie during the middle of the night... but not so much anymore. With Emily I'm constantly checking her. When she's in her swing, on the bed, in my arms. I wouldn't say that I'm neurotic about it, but I do find peace having her in my bed so I can easily see or feel her chest rising and falling.

Last night around 4am panic ran through me for a moment. I woke up and looked at Emily and didn't see any movement. I went to move her and she was cool to the touch (my window is open) and floppy (deep sleep). In a panic I put my hand on her chest and half shook/wiggled her, she flung her hands up and breathed deeply.

Ok, so just a deep sleep, but OMG. I hear stories of how some children just forgot to breathe, and that's how they're found come morning. I can't imagine, and find great comfort having her just within arms length. Ugh, I sure hope to not experience that level of panic again.

DREAMS:

I had some odd dreams last night. One, I helped a woman deliver her first child - the midwife wasn't going to make it in time. I was able to quickly wash my hands, and in a single push she pushed his head out, and then his body. I remember it so clearly, and touching him. I felt confident in what I was doing, although afterwards it bothered me that I guided/gently pulled his body out after his shoulders were born, rather then waiting for the mom to.

After some time I suggested to her that she ask the midwife to check for any tears since she birthed so fast. She mentioned that she thought she tore since it stung to pee. That led in to the conversation that sounded like a love affair with my squirt bottle... but oh how much I love that thing after delivering, it helps tramendously!

The next dream was about Steven, and how I was out on the same street as him - although he was heading towards a store. He rushed past, giving no time to stop and muttered some sort of gibberish about being in a rush. He must have gone out a different way since I saw him on a different street, he talked for a moment but not long. He felt distant. I do hope he's doing ok. He will always be held in cherished thoughts.

There were a few other dreams, but the details I remember are spotty. They were bizarre though, and seemed so real.

06-28-10

I already sent these to Emily's dad (photos taken yesterday), with the idea that I wouldn't have time to write in this blog. Goodness, how hard is it to come on over to post a few quick pictures?

With Emily fast asleep (for the moment) it seems very simple, but when she's attached nursing and I'm trying to navigate and type with one hand, it's not so easy. Then, part way through there's the burping, diaper change, something one of my other children need, and like tonight also working on baking some healthy oatmeal cookies (that turned out quit well). Even that alone took a bit, since I was bouncing her in in one arm while trying to scoop the mix on to the cooking sheet with the other.... then there was the attempting to put Emily in her swing while trying to move them on to the cooling plate - she wasn't too thrilled with that. The one time she sat quietly, I took advantage of trying to unload the dishwasher. The silverware remains.

I slipped in to a surprise nap with Emily tonight, as I was laying there nursing her. I'm grateful for these moments. It's peaceful.

Tonight when walking in to the restroom with her on my shoulder, the sight of her in my arms stunned me again and I just looked at her. What a precious little miracle.

Cuteness

Dear Emily ~

What an amazing personality you continue to develop. Today you held your head up off of my shoulder for quite a stretch of time, watching what was going on behind me. As I often can't help, I couldn't help again just kissing you - your cheek, neck, since both were within kissing range. I'd lean you back, and kiss to the side of your nose, this perfect indentation that just begs for kisses :)

This afternoon I laid down for a nap and had you on my chest. I couldn't really sleep, but any time that a mom can lay on her back and not have the house threatening to explode, is a great thing :) As I laid there I stroked your hair, ran my hand over your back and arm, and just marveled at you. I found myself tearing up as the overwhelming gratefulness for your existence filled me again. As timing would have it, a song came on and the tears came. I am so thankful for you Emily, you have brought so much in to our family. You are so beautiful, so wonderful, and so perfect. Especially in moments like these, I thank your dad even more.

Donny and a friend of his, Brandon, met you for the first time today. Donny is a great guy, you'll enjoy him as you grow. He gave you a kiss goodbye when he left today, you're another princess in the family for him to adore :)

You're such a good sport when it comes to your sisters. Katie had fun taking pictures of you today, and putting her sunglasses on you. You really are quite cute wearing them :)

Your patience ran out when I changed your diaper. You had these little red pin-pricks that were starting, so before putting a cloth diaper on you I let you air out for a while. I tried taking a few pictures of you and caught the first picture up above, but you were done - you wanted your diaper on and wanted to eat. Your crying rarely lasts very long, usually it's a firm opinion stance and then you're quiet again. Although not fair to you really, this picture makes me chuckle :)

I love you Emily - every moment of the day :)

Morning Sweetness

Fast Asleep

Waking up...

Streeeeeeeetch

Good Morning, Mama :)

Morning times still have to be one of my most favorite times. Seeing this little beauty fast sleep, making squeaking and grunting noises, only to wake up and streeeeetch and smile :) After waking, Katie loves to jump in to the pictures also. I love this one of the two of them.... silly girls!

Silly, Silly girls :)

06-25-10

What a wonderful time we had visiting last night. It all started here at the house. Shawn showed up and I felt I suddenly was FREE!!! I was able to easily clean, something that seemed to take all day and I wasn't done yet, as well as *drum roll* take a SHOWER!! It felt so good to be able to step in and not worry about Emily. Shawn also helped me carry out the old loveseat to be picked up, and I was able to get a few things vacuumed. Time came to leave - it's been ages, it seems, since I've seen Julie.... and the band was playing down her street. It was great to be able to fit not only visiting her in but also for her to be able to meet Emily, Shawn, as well as Patricia.

We stopped at Pickle Time, a local hamburger restaurant that the kids just love, and I picked up some french fries, burger, and a shake. Shawn picked out a few things too, but come the late evening my stomach was making itself known that once again I shouldn't have eaten that type of food. Ugh. All the fun memories of what use to taste so good, just isn't settling well anymore. Oh well, it'll make the new way of eating much easier (which I already know my body prefers). I think Shawn had it right, with a veggie wrap :)

Julie commented on what a very sweet man Shawn was, and how he was a natural father. When driving her to get her car, we talked about how things changed from the uncle relationship that was initially planned, to more of a father relationship, and what brought me to that decision. Julie pointed out how it was obvious how much he loves Emily, and it really is. It hurt last night taking Emily's carseat, putting it in my van, and driving away.... I felt as though I was taking Emily from him :( He had just finished saying one of the sweetest goodbye's, bending down and holding the carseat close, looking at her and talking.

I am thankful for this time to be able to watch the two of them together, and feel without any doubt that when the time comes when I can leave her with him for a visit that she'll be very much loved and cared for. I'm not ready to leave her yet, but at the same time I can't wait for that time to come. I wish he could spend every day with her :( He is one of the most loving and gentle fathers, Emily is very lucky.

16 days old

Dear Emily -

Yesterday I weighed you, 8lbs... but that was with your clothes and a diaper on, I just don't have the heart to undress you down to nothing just to get a for sure weight. The midwife took off 6oz for clothes and a diaper, so by following this rule you are 7lbs 10oz. Not too bad! You're gaining well :D

You sure are quite timely in your schedule for your day. Right now you are fast asleep in your swing (yay! You still don't like to be put down, so this is quite a treat for what I have to get done in the house!) but I suspect you'll wake up here shortly to eat again, only to fall back asleep for another couple of hours. Come 4pm though, you're like a ravenous baby.... you seem to just want to stay attached and eat constantly. Last night as you stayed nursing for quite some time, I wondered if maybe this was why you slept so well at night... you filled yourself up to the brim :)

You were pretty sleepy last night, but I was able to take a few pictures for your dad. Well, of course it's only fair for him to watch you grow, you change daily!! But, it saves him from his wonderful parents who seem to come on near nightly asking if he has new photos :) It's been so sweet to hear how excited they are to watch you grow also. I'm so thankful that from half way around the world they are able to do this.

The eyes are going.... dreamland is close!

Such beauty

Every day my love grows for you. You are so beautiful and so amazing. Your jaundice is starting to go away, every day more so, leaving your skin showing this beautiful complexion. Your eyes are clearing also, showing your big beautiful dark eyes. I still can't kiss you enough!

This morning as I was lying in bed with you across the top of my chest sleeping, Katie started jiggling my tummy. It's quite humerous to feel where you use to fully fill in a space when you were snuggled inside of me, it's now all squishy and wiggles like a bowl full of jello :) Katie went to blow bubbles on my tummy and started laughing, "Alyssa, watch!!! Moms tummy sucked in my face!" Thank you my lovely Katie, ROFL!!! I guess I do encourage honest speaking from my children, and with that sometimes what they come up with just makes me laugh :) Not for much longer my dear Katie.... but oh how worth every change in my body has been worth bringing you here Emily :)

Sleepy Smiles

Listening to mama....

.... A few thoughts to share herself

Tonight you're going to go to your first concert. Your sisters are SO excited! It's our neighbors preforming, they have a pretty great band! Last summer they use to play outside until our next door neighbors complained, so now they practice inside the house. When I take care of the horses I usually can hear them practicing, it's enjoyable to listen to. I sure look forward to tonight.

I've invited two people, you're dad and Julie. Julie hasn't met you yet, she sure is excited to! Six years ago she had a dream where she saw an asian man standing over me looking at a baby girl I held in my arms. She thought it was Steven (Mimi's dad) but maybe it was you and your dad :)

How my life has changed, and how much it's been enriched by you. I love you, my beautiful princess :)