Fears and Scares

One of my biggest fears is to find Emily stopped breathing. I think this is a normal fear among parents, I still find myself checking Katie during the middle of the night... but not so much anymore. With Emily I'm constantly checking her. When she's in her swing, on the bed, in my arms. I wouldn't say that I'm neurotic about it, but I do find peace having her in my bed so I can easily see or feel her chest rising and falling.

Last night around 4am panic ran through me for a moment. I woke up and looked at Emily and didn't see any movement. I went to move her and she was cool to the touch (my window is open) and floppy (deep sleep). In a panic I put my hand on her chest and half shook/wiggled her, she flung her hands up and breathed deeply.

Ok, so just a deep sleep, but OMG. I hear stories of how some children just forgot to breathe, and that's how they're found come morning. I can't imagine, and find great comfort having her just within arms length. Ugh, I sure hope to not experience that level of panic again.

DREAMS:

I had some odd dreams last night. One, I helped a woman deliver her first child - the midwife wasn't going to make it in time. I was able to quickly wash my hands, and in a single push she pushed his head out, and then his body. I remember it so clearly, and touching him. I felt confident in what I was doing, although afterwards it bothered me that I guided/gently pulled his body out after his shoulders were born, rather then waiting for the mom to.

After some time I suggested to her that she ask the midwife to check for any tears since she birthed so fast. She mentioned that she thought she tore since it stung to pee. That led in to the conversation that sounded like a love affair with my squirt bottle... but oh how much I love that thing after delivering, it helps tramendously!

The next dream was about Steven, and how I was out on the same street as him - although he was heading towards a store. He rushed past, giving no time to stop and muttered some sort of gibberish about being in a rush. He must have gone out a different way since I saw him on a different street, he talked for a moment but not long. He felt distant. I do hope he's doing ok. He will always be held in cherished thoughts.

There were a few other dreams, but the details I remember are spotty. They were bizarre though, and seemed so real.