38w4d

Dear Baby -

38w4d now.... I look big - I feel big. When the midwife felt you a few days ago, she guessed you to be approx. 7lbs - 7 1/2lbs. You're a good size baby! You're moving around a lot more inside now, feeling a bit squished?

Your heart rate measured in the 130's again at the appt two days ago. I hear the low numbers and wonder if you're a boy? Jonah's the only one who's heart rate was low (140's) and is the only boy. The others were 150-160 and were girls. The midwife says that the speculation that many have of low heart rate for boys vs higher for girls is only a guess. I wonder though. But, it wouldn't surprise me if you are a girl with a low rate either.... you are so calm. A friend's baby had a heart rate of 160 and just found out that she's carrying a boy. Hmm :)

This has been the best pregnancy, you have been so gentle to carry! I find so much peace being outside and working, and wonder if you'll be an outside baby too.

It's been very rainy lately, without too much sun. I am so hopeful of delivering you outside, but at this point in time it's looking questionable. Except for a little sun/cloudy tomorrow, it's rain though the 6th (10 day forecast). I don't doubt though that you'll know when the right time to come is.

The home birthing kit came today - we are now all set for you to come :) Only things left to do are little things.... nothing that can't wait if you decided to come tomorrow.

I don't feel ready to be done carrying you yet. At the same thing, I look so forward to holding you in my arms. I am so thankful for you. I love you.

Slowing down

Somehow I ended up on my back last night sleeping, not the best when waking up and attempting to walk to the restroom and you have a turned back who's head is pushing on some sort of nerve that causes your lower back to scream in pain. Hobbling, I made it. Back to the bed to lay on my side and try to convince the little one to turn back around.

For the most part today my lower back hasn't been too delighted with things. When I get up from sitting, I hobble - it hurts to lift my leg and hurts to put pressure on it to walk. About 30ft+ I'm ok and it settles out. It all makes for very slow moving, when everything is already slow as it is.

It's been a pretty quiet day here today. Jonah mowed the lawn and is going to weed wack tomorrow. I worked inside washing windows, cabinets, and the floor.... realizing that baby must have grown a bit again, since I had a foot on the base of my ribs that kept leaving it difficult to breathe.

Jennifer has continued to be a big help. I watched her kids while she rode today, and after getting back she tried to help with cleaning the carpets.... only for it to be realized that the roller wasn't working right. I'm hoping I can fix that tomorrow and get the carpets done.

I went through all the baby clothes today and separated out boy newborn/0-3mo clothes as well as girls. For a moment it crossed my mind how much easier it would be just to know if this baby was a boy or a girl, and asking the dad momentarily crossed my mind :P Naaa - waiting for the surprise! I went through blankets, cloth diapers, disposables, onsies, and outfits. Everything else was packed up. The carseat's straps are now adjusted and the seat is ready for the baby.

There's not too much left to do, comparatively - but there's still plenty. I think inside, my main concern are the carpets - I sure hope to get the roller fixed tomorrow. Outside, it's just normal cleanup and organizing the shed :)

Update

Even when there's no signs of labor, I think the 36th week can be one of the most nervous ones for someone who wants to deliver at home. 37 weeks marks the day that one is allowed to, before that it's off to the hospital to be poked and prodded and other things that aren't comfortable for someone who prefers the freedom and relaxation of delivering at home. This last week hasn't been that bad though, there haven't been any signs of contractions or anything else that points to labor around the corner, so overall it was quite a peaceful week.

At my 36 week appt last week everything measured and tested normal, but baby was posterior. Facing up rather then down. The midwife nor her assistant could find the baby's back, which led to the discussion of exercises I could do to help encourage the little one to settle in to place in a way that would lead to a more comfortable birth rather then one filled with back labor. The nice thing, is that should the baby decide to be born face up, it'll still be just fine :) I measured 35.5cm.

Through the week I could feel the baby spinning inside of me. Sometimes the back was there, other times I could feel little feet and hands pushing on my stomach - quite a neat and very precious feeling. A few days ago I started feeling pressure from the head on my cervix, and a wiggling shoulder next to my right hip bone. When the midwife measured me yesterday, she kept coming up with 35cm... hmm... finally got a measurement of 36cm which she was fine with and marked that down. I asked her to check (not internally) to see if the baby was engaged, she tried to wiggle his/her head and said that the baby was settled down in to there and pointed out where the shoulder was as well as the back. So as of yesterday, the baby was facing correctly. The spinning hasn't really been happening and the pressure on my cervix has increased, so I suspect that s/he's settled in to place..... but a baby can turn even during labor, so nothing is for certain either way.

Baby is still being so gentle, but certainly has picked up in activity. Last night Jonah felt the baby move around, and teared up. Quite a precious thing to see a 13yo male wipe away a tear - he is so excited. He says that he's going to be the first to give the baby tummy blow-bubbles, lol. He is going to be such a wonderful big brother.

Katie asked me yesterday if she could be in the tub with me when I'm in labor - of course!! This is what I love about homebirthing... however a mom would like things to go, it can happen.

The pressure downwards on my cervix from the baby's head has been increasing. It's more so today then it was yesterday... all part of preparing things for labor. I've been working on cleaning and doing yard work, making sure that things are ready and I wont have to worry about them for a while after the baby is born, and thankful to Jen who's been over helping too.

I am so thankful to the dad for offering a part of himself so my family could be complete - that after the giving of surrogacy that my own children have done, that they can experience a sibling they so very much wanted also. Thankful I too am about to hold a child I so deeply wanted but wasn't sure if would ever come to be.... and hope that I can help to give the dad such a wonderful experience too. Life is amazing, and filled with so much thanks.

I have found a part of my life coming to a close - as much as I hope to have a sibling for Cassidy, it's becoming more questionable if that will happen. If that's the case, the creating and giving of life either as a surrogate or for my own family will be finished. The door will have closed. The rescue organization I've been a part of for so long, the time with that is clearly coming to an end also. So much is ending, but at the same time so many new things are beginning. I finally life in a little house, on property where my children can experience raising of animals, where the kids could run, where my horses are with me, where my children can learn to live simply and cherish what life has to offer rather then placing value only on materialistic items and how much they have. I'm finally able to restart my business again, and the possibilities are endless.

Life is amazing.... and one of the most precious parts of it is moving inside of me, soon to enter this world and in to the arms of so many who already deeply love him/her.

A moment of riding, 36 weeks

What a fun day yesterday was. I woke up cringing, hobbling to the bathroom and trying to get ready to drive Alyssa to school. My very lower back hurt so much, and with every step I'd have a radiating pain. I dropped her off at school and stopped at the store to pick up a few items, including watermellon - mmmm!! Stepping up on to the curb put me in almost tears. I balanced myself on the cart trying to hobble around the store.

Of course the smart thing would have probably been to go home and relax for the day. But noooo, instead I was out at a local arena working with two very dedicated horse riders! I did feel that the more I walked that my back would relax, and it did. Yay!

Seeing that horse though, just a few feet from me.... I couldn't help myself. It's been MONTHS since I've been in the saddle, and this was a horse I felt I could trust. I got on. I didn't do much but walk around but wow, how good it felt to be on the back of a horse again. I really miss it. I can't wait to loose this extra baby weight and become more toned and fit, and get back to riding and training horses again :)

Katie had her moment too! She's been a child who's been much more cautious about things. She loves horses, but doesn't usually do much with them. Lately though, she's been asking more about riding and wanting to be around these guys. Yesterday she was able to get on, and was wanting to ride by herself.... but with this being a new horse I didn't really know, I walked with her.

Well over near 3hrs we spent at this arena, taking breaks but also working on drill maneuvers and patterns. These two are so much fun to work with! But wow, my tummy sure is poking out there!
No question, I swallowed a beach beach ball :P

Getting Closer

Dear my littlest angel -

Time is passing so fast! I'm getting more and more excited to meet you, although I haven't reached the anxious point for you to be born yet. I love holding you as close as I am, and love feeling you move inside of me.

You've been having many more active awake periods lately, which is so sweet to feel. You are still so gentle with your movements, I do thank you for this!

I wonder and look forward to seeing who you are in person. You feel to have such a gentle spirit inside, so different then any of the other children. When I get upset, I can't rant - I end up feeling disappointment more then anything else, and something the tears start in sadness. If this is who you are in person, it's the most sweetest way of being. I've really enjoyed your energy over these last number of months.

I am so lucky and feel so blessed to have you as a child to raise in this world.... although I suspect that you will most likely join our family with many lessons of your own to show all of us.

You still receive many hugs and kisses, especially from Katie early in the morning since she's the one that often wakes up next to you. She's mentioned to you that she looks forward to meeting you and that she's going to be a wonderful big sister, which I'm sure she will be... as well as your other two siblings also.

So loved, my little one, by so many people.

I still wonder, are you a boy? Or a girl? And continue to think about the moment you are born and I hold you against me. I'm not ready yet, while at the same time I can't wait. I am so blessed :)

35 w 1 d

Time is moving. My heart skips in nervousness when I realize how close I am to delivering. And I wonder, all over again, even though I've been through this all six times before, will I be able to handle the pain? Will I be able to stay composed and focused on the job at hand? Of course I will, sure enough I'll fall in to the rhythm when the contractions start. I'm still silently nervous though, which I suppose is always expected.

Since a few days ago when I wondered if what had arrived were contractions or not, and how it went away 6hrs later, I woke up the next morning feeling very different. The baby had "dropped", or it felt so anyway. Just above my pubic bone I can place my fingers, and feel the side of the baby's head and him/her moving it side to side. Quite a strange feeling! My stomach appeared smaller, which is normal when a baby drops.

The hardest part for me though, is how it changed what I could get done. This has been the easiest pregnancy from the beginning, but now my feet move slower... my legs feel like there's weights on them and my theighs feel like there's something sitting on a nerve (a head? lol), my bladder feels like it's shrunk even more and there's a head in the way from it all coming out when I use the restroom. I have to be careful when I cough, or my pants could pay the price. I am definitely tired, everything feels like it takes so much more effort now. I struggle to muster up the energy to clean the house, or even to work on the yard.... not necessarily for the energy for my body, but to move these darn slow legs, and then bending over with this head in the way can be very difficult. Sleeping.... ahhhh.... definitely sleeping A LOT more.... which really is a good thing actually :) Nothing like slipping in a quick nap or falling asleep early. But, with falling asleep early comes early rising.... like this morning, I was awake just after 4am.

As difficult as this last stretch can be physically, it's also one of the sweetest. Feeling this child move around inside is just the sweetest feeling in the world. S/he's still not kicking my ribs, or pushing his/her head hard against my cervix, or anything else that is painful. S/he's still so gentle and sweet. I feel his head with my hand and think about placing it on his head after he's born and cuddled up against me in bed.

I am so in love - so deeply and completely in love. No doubt that love will grow even more after this baby is born. Every day I thank the dad for this child.

Yesterday my water tub arrived. Finding this tub took so much patience and trust that it all would turn out as it's suppose to. And it did. Where I was looking for 150g trough, the one I ended up with is 300g - and the chance to know two very kind people who love animals very much also. They had bought this big tub as a home for three goldfish :) The goldfish came too, and they're beautiful.

The tub is big, and a perfect size. Should the dad wish to climb in to help deliver, he'll be able to - or any of my children. I'm starting to think more about how I hope for it all to go, and a larger tub opens up more options. After the birth, I plan for the tub to be turned in to a beautiful water fountain in the garden area, it should turn out quite beautiful :)

I'm able to deliver at home any time after 37 weeks. The timing is perfect. I receive my next paycheck on the 14th, and will be purchasing the homebirthing kit (a box full of things the midwife needs for the baby and mom) as well as the supplies needed for the water tub, and other items on the homebirthing list. The nice thing, having gone through this all before, is I know for the most part things that I wont end up needing and what I know I will. Even better, to have a friend (Jen) to sit down with and say, "Do you have any of these things I can borrow?" Some things that are of no question: Shower curtain for the bed, thick pads, aleve, and a heating pad.... talk about killer cramps that one gets after delivering!

Life is amazing.

Whew

I'm definitely feeling much better today. I continued to stay crampy and not feeling too well until roughly 2am. Six hours after I started timing the contractions/BH. I am so thankful. I really did worry, fearing, it all was very unlike what I'm use to.... although I guess it shouldn't surprise me too much, this baby and pregnancy have all been very unusual and quiet.

Symptoms:

Body started feeling light, different, and emotional

Contractions 3-4min apart, lasting 30+sec each, picking up in intensity, and continued for over an hour

Lower back started to ache

Lower bdominal menstral like cramping/soreness

I drank quite a bit of water, 36oz, and laid down. I questioned if I was making the wrong decision not calling the midwife yet, and really questioned if I should. I felt that the only choice would be to going to the hospital, and before doing that I wanted to be certain of the direction things were going. I am so thankful they stopped.

Baby has moved down, I can feel his/her head on my cervix now.... although s/he could drop more later too. I've continued to have some mild BH this morning, but nothing concerning or unusual.

Off to a quiet day of relaxing at the art museum and enjoying a visit with the baby's dad :)