Blessings

My little 3mo blessing, Emily

The gift of life.

There are a handful of different ways this gift can be given, but I have been so dearly blessed to help give this gift in the form of a child - a dream come true - for a very special friend. An experience that I remember every day, a birth that is etched in to my memory. I remember so many tears of deep ache, as she longed for a child she doubted would ever be.

Cassidy Anne was born a little over three years ago, delivered by her moms hands while the midwife watched over. A little blessed, a little dream. For Cassidy to be able to make it here, not only did I give a part of myself (egg) but also gave Cassidy a home to grow in for nine months. As if it was yesterday, I remember that positive test and being able to tell her mom that her baby was on her way. When she found out that her baby was a little girl. When she gave Cassidy her first bottle and Cassidy fell back asleep with a happy and full tummy. The moments that her mom entrusted me with, as I spent alone time with Cassidy the day after she was born, last nursing before she went home, and my first visit (her first Christmas) where I slept in her room and wrapped all my love around this most dearest and loved child.

So much of what I learned I've been able to pass on to Emily's dad. Remembering how special that time alone was after Cassidy was born, I left Emily sleeping with her dad the day after she was born while I went in to town to get my son. Time, how precious time meant to me... how I wanted to pass that on. I experienced how much pictures meant to me, and with that memory passed many pictures over to her dad as I could. I loved hearing experiences Cassidy was having, funny moments, the laughter and challenges her mom was going through... and so I passed just the same on to Emily's dad too, and share with him all I can.

I thank him every moment I look at Emily. Every moment I feel an overwhelming amount of love as I look at her sleeping, as her hand grasps my finger, as her eyes look in to mine, and as she smiles and laughs. I thank him. He has blessed our family with the most amazing gift I could ever imagine, a part of himself so Emily could make it here. I feel so honored, so thankful. Each time I hug her in my arms and her hand against my cheek, my heart hugs him and thanks him for the entire world he's handed to us..... and to himself, his parents, his family, and his friends.

Emily, you are so loved. So very loved by so many.

Cassidy, with her mom

Cassidy, with my daughter Katie (her sister)

Cassidy, walking Katie to her first day of Kindergarten

First sleep through the night

It's the moments of new steps that seem to stand out the most as these little tiny being grow. Those first smiles, first tooth, first foods..... last night Emily had another first, her first time sleeping through the night. The entire night.

Emily fell asleep as normal, and I placed her in her papasan bouncer - her first falling asleep place before she's brought in to bed with me. I ended up quite late talking her her dad online about dreams, the roll a fathers love can play for a child, benefits of nursing, tredmills, and other subjects. I enjoy our talks, their always educational. I finally climbed in to bed at 4am, Emily hadn't woken up yet. I thought for sure that she would soon, but when I woke for good at 7:30am, she was still sleeping. I had enough time to stretch and pump before she finally woke up.

Her first time.

I give credit to this lovely thumb of hers that she finally found. So far she uses it wonderfully - usually to sooth herself back to sleep when she's half awake. That must have been what she did last night.

I watch her in wonder. Something that seems so little to some, but so preciously big to me. I am proud, so very proud.

09-12-2010

Dear Emily ~

Today was an amazing day with your dad. We went and watched Avatar in 3D - it was amazing. Your brother was so excited when your dad called and gave the invite, he was squealing :) The 2D one is brilliantly made, 3D made it even more incredible. I wonder if when you're old enough to read these entries, if they will have made sequels or if it will be just as desired of a movie as it is now.

You really enjoy your time with your dad - there is a sense of knowing who he is, but seem to still prefer to remain in my arms. He is wonderful and rolls with what is comfortable for you, never leaving you feeling uncomfortable and without ever showing disappointment. I wonder if he realizes how wonderful this has been for you and your emotional security. As he does this, your security in yourself when you're not with me grows and your own confidence in yourself grows too.

Today I nursed you, and handed you to your dad after you were asleep. I sat there.... watching you and him together. One moment in particular, you woke fussing after I handed you to him and he adjusted you so you were comfortable and you fell back asleep. Your faces were close together, and I looked at you. At him. At both of you together. The shapes of your noses, ears, colors of your skins... noticing all the similarities that the two of you shared.... and the love that so clearly radiated from him. Behind my dark glasses I hid the overwhelming emotion of love that came in quiet tears.... I am so thankful for how much he loves you, and how much he wants to be with you. Watching the two of you, I felt what I have felt many times before... a wave of deep love and appreciation for the man who helped to give you life - a part of himself so you could make it here. A man who so openly loves you, and is so proud of you.

You spent a good part of the afternoon in his arms. I loved watching the two of you together, and the peace you felt especially when you snuggled in to his shoulder.

After we dropped your dad off at home and were pulling away, your brother commented on how how sees how much love your dad feels for you in his eyes. It's heart warming to watch, and very humbling to be in the middle of.

My Children

The characters that never fail to bring humor to my life every day. Of course, with the humor is also the frustrations that come with raising these munchkins, the separating of fighting siblings, the questioning of a request I've given, and yet also the complete joys of watching them becoming their own individuals - and strong independent ones that that.

Last night at 10pm we all ran to the store. My son wanted to give a round 2 on making ginger ale, changing the recipe up a bit. So much humor came with walking through the store, with both girls rattling off the "I got my eyeeee on yoooou" quote from, "Cloudy, with a chance of meatballs". They had me laughing, quite a bit. We must have been quite a sight. Not to mention, at checkout my son successfully managed to talk me in to an extra tub of ice cream.... with the bribery of cleaning my bathroom and also all the windows in the house. Fine :P Who bribed who in that one? LOL

Motherhood

Motherhood has to be one of the most intense and exhausting jobs a mother will ever face. There's the sleepless nights with a newborn, where they think it's time to play... if they're not screaming, sick, throwing up, or any other things that leave moms wondering if they're not doing something right. We walk around with bags under our eyes, praying for a moment to take a nap, while keeping up with any other children we may have, as well as housework, meals to be made, and expectations of our spouces, friends, schools, etc.

I feel lucky, Emily sleeps. She doesn't scream (except the few temper tantrums that she's thrown, when she gets ticked, which are actually quite cute). She hasn't been sick yet, and hasn't thrown up. She's easy. One of the easiest babies I've ever met. She's full of so many smiles, she rarely ever cries (with the exception of her carseat). She is incredible.

I have never in my motherhood years, received the gift of the words that I've received from Emily's dad. The thanks for what has been given up to be a mom - the thanks for all the time it takes - and the appreciation for it all, plus Emily.

What incredible words to hear. With all it takes to be a mom, amazing how something so simple can mean so much. How it can be so relieving and empowering. I feel as if I've breathed in a armful of energy - and rather then feeling the missing of certain things in my life, I feel as though I've been given renewed energy for what means the most to me in this world, as I step in to the next day of motherhood.

I love being a mom, so very very much. I love each of my children, and love all I'm able to give them. It really is the most important thing on this earth, being a mom - the raising of our children - since it's these children that are the next generation. I hope that I'm able to guide the ones under my care to the very best of my ability.

And my next big challenge is being handed to me..... being a mom to teenagers (my 14yo son and 11yo daughter). I think I'm well enjoying Emily's infancy right now :)