Dear Emily

Dear Emily -

I wonder as I begin this entry, how far I'll get in to it before you ask to be nursed. Right now you're sleeping inside a Moby Wrap that Jennifer loaned to me. Snuggled so close, as I weave my body back and forth to rock you. I still need to put your birth story together, hopefully I'll be able to do that tonight or tomorrow. The pictures of your birth have been so surreal for me to go through, I still find myself in amazement that you're really here.

You are so precious and amazing. As your sisters headed out with their dad this morning, they couldn't give you enough kisses as I tried to send them out the door. They both love holding you whenever I can seem to let you go out of my own arms.

The beauty I'm so blessed to wake up to (day 5)

So far the mornings have to me my most favorite times. I lay there with you usually still sleeping in my arms, just watching you - watching you breathe, make little squeeks, tiny eyelid and mouth twitches. If it's close, I reach for the camera and try to take a picture. Your beauty just radiates from you, even I can't help but kiss you and tell you how beautiful you are.

Every moment I thank your dad for you. The love he feels is so obvious, and I'm grateful that he's able to experience your incredibleness also. He's coming over this afternoon to spend some time with you ~ maybe I can sneak in a shower?

Today is your fifth day in my arms. I don't think my heart and love could engulf your being any more so then it does already - although I'm sure that come tomorrow it will have done just that.

A few days ago as I rocked you, felt you breathing and your warm skin against my neck, I started crying. I am so thankful for you. I love you so much.

Your dad said that the acronym he found for Emily means: "Every Moment I Love You" ~ and I do, every.single.moment.

Big brother and Emily (day 2)

Big sister Katie, and Emily (Day 4)

Sleeping princess (day 4)

Alyssa, loving her time with Emily (Day 5)

My sweet two girls ~ Emily starting to say, "I'm hungry - again" (Day 5)

Alyssa and Emily sleeping (Day 5)

Grumbles

Today I hit a challenge. A disappointment. I don't appreciate how I was left feeling, it was a feeling of firmness - almost bitterness. I was frustrated.

With the weather being quite rainy lately, my deep desire to deliver outside, along with the fact that I'm two days away from my due date.... I chose to call the midwife to find out what type of encouragements for labor they'd suggest. To help answer some questions and concerns that I had, so I could come to a decision on choices. At that time, the weather report had said Monday was going to be sunny (tomorrow) with rain to follow the next few days. I wanted to catch tomorrow.

No suggestions were made. Just how she doesn't agree with inducing, how it can cause a more difficult labor as well as cause interventions needing to happen.

I was so frustrated. That's not what I was asking. My questions weren't answered, and certainly no suggestions were made. Even just the basic things such as sex, orgasms, curb walking, nipple stimulation, etc... things that will bring on/encourage labor if a body is ready. I feel uncomfortable with the other type of encouragements such as castor oil, but I had some questions if they felt it was a great way.

I felt as though I lost my desire to have this particular midwife at my birth, and that if she was there much of what I wanted may be discouraged if she didn't agree with it. She's a wonderful midwife, don't get me wrong, just the strength in this area just didn't mesh with my personality or what I needed. I do hope she's not the one on call when labor starts.

The other two.... one calls herself a tree loving hippy :) I mentioned my desire to deliver outside and she asked to just be provided with an umbrella since she didn't want to get rained on if it was raining... and explained for the well being of the baby how things would have to go following the birth and keeping the baby warm and safe. She's awesome! The other, just an incredible down to earth open and earthly spiritual person. Just wonderful!

Looking at the weather report tonight, it shows sun for Tuesday also. I'm glad. I'd much rather not encourage anything, just relax and go with things, this gives two days for something to start :) Otherwise, the nice weather is back again Friday and through the weekend. Wonder if I haven't delivered by Tuesday I can tell my body it's on a time out until Friday :P

Tonight I am sitting and rocking on a ball that Jen brought over for me to sit on. Ahhhhh, so much more comfortable then a regular seat. I've continued to have some contractions off and on, nothing serious just sweet ones that leave me smiling at what soon is to come.

39w4d Pictures with the horses

The weather hasn't been that great here, and with labor pending and the sun shining (a rarity right now) Jen stopped by to take some 'end of pregnancy' tummy pictures. If I had moved and gotten ready to go quickly, we would have caught the sun. Instead I felt pissy, not wanting to go anywhere (even though pictures earlier in the day was my idea), and chose to take a shower and then just sit in there for an extra long amount of time. But, by the time I came out I was much more relaxed.

It was wonderful to visit with the horses and feel their sweetness. I love them all so much. These two girls in particular are even extra special to me, since having them a part of my family seemed impossible a few years ago. Spirit was purchased for $20 at a local livestock auction as a 6mo baby (2005), right before being loaded on to the slaughter truck. Although she's been under my care and training since that day, she belonged to the rescue organization until they decided that once she injured her shoulder pretty severely, and the lifelong ongoing care it was going to need, that they'd adopt her out ~ I was able to get her (2008). Aaleyah came under my training when she entered the organization (late 2005) but I was never able to adopt her since I didn't have a place to keep her. Everything fell together after moving on to my property, she was returned to the organization by her adopter and I was able to finalize papers for her to become a part of our family.

And then there's this baby..... all three such a dream, all three cherished, and all three a part of our family now. :)

Aaleyah and Spirit

Today has been another day of crampy contractions and feeling extremely uncomfortable. I feel the baby so heavy in my pelvis. My walk is a heavy waddle. While I'm ready to be holding this baby, I love and am so thankful for how close I've been able to hold him/her for so long. I'm looking forward to the birth, seeing this baby in daddy's arms, seeing my children being able to touch this child they so long hoped for.... and to be able to marvel at this incredible creation. I'm in love ~ so in love.

Today would be sweet, it's my birthday.... tomorrow would be great too, it's suppose to be a nice sunny day (and then back to rain the following day).

Something is happening

I woke up again this morning with the low abdominal cramping. It's picked up a little bit, but only in the form of gentle - but timely - contractions along with pressure on my cervix. It's gorgeous outside, just gorgeous. The weather report doesn't show rain until 1am. Could this be it?

I'm about to do some cleanup in the house, and go outside to work a bit. Hmm. This waiting and wondering is one of the more difficult parts of pending labor. When it's the real thing, when to call attending friends to give a heads up, when to call the midwife.... and my tub is inside, do I move it outside and start the process of filling it up? What if it's not the real thing?

But I'm quite suspicious this time... it feels different.....

... while 'different' could just be the next step in preparing my body, and true labor could still be another day or two or three away.

Dreams

I woke up this morning and went to wake Jonah up. He woke up excited, saying that he had a dream... he dreamed about this baby and the birth. He went on to tell me that I ended up delivering inside (oh please no), in the water tub, that the labor was quick - only 1hr of "little nudges" to 4hrs of hard labor... 5hrs total (he got a few words from me on that one, short labors hurt more!). He melted when he went on to explain that he saw the baby's face, and that it was a boy.

Hmm, a boy. Only one person knows if this is correct or not, and that would be the baby's dad. I'm so glad that he was able to have the choice to know or not, and I was able to have the choice to not know. I'm so glad I wanted, there's such a sense of wonderment. The kids can't wait to see :)

Jonah went on to say that he thought I'd have this baby tonight or tomorrow. Well, we'll see. It could happen! Tomorrow would be wonderful, it's suppose to be a decent day and I can be OUTSIDE! But it could also be another handful of days. The waiting is interesting, I feel like there's a time clock ticking away and counting down. The time is coming :)

Today is definitely much more difficult to move around. I am waddling, even more so. I feel such heaviness. This afternoon I laid on the bed talking to Jen, but on my back. When I went to get up I felt my legs were going to give out, my back hurt terribly. I ended up on my hands and knees, trying to encourage the baby to turn around so whatever way it's head was pointing it would change and get off the nerve it was pinch. Ouch. I have spent much of the day just sitting, relaxing - definitely one of the more "lazy" days. But it's gloomy outside, and rainy. Maybe tomorrow I'll get a few more things done.... unless labor finds it's way to my door.

I've also felt another change today, I desire closeness. Jennifer was here for a little while, and I didn't want her to leave. My kids are being wonderful, quiet, getting along and playing together.... my son is being extremely helpful and cooperative, but there's this desire to just have female energy close. Wonder if that means labor is close? Or, I'm just a whiny very pregnant mama with a lower back ache that her back is less then delighted with :)

The kids are hungry, time to go cook. They're asking for steak, or stir-fry, guess we'll see what ends up in the dinner pan!

Update

39w2d... the week in which I typically tend to deliver. Katie and Mimi are the only exceptions, at 38w and 40w. The other four? 39w2d, 39w4d, 39w4d, and 39w5d. So close!

Two days ago I started contracting every 7min apart. I watched, timed, wondered... and then went to the grocery store to pick up a few things. They didn't get any closer together nor did they increase in intensity. They just sort of stayed the same, and then spread further out. I relaxed in the hot shower and then went to bed. The next morning I woke up with my abdomen feeling a bit sore, I suspect that I had been contracting a bit during the night. But thing continued to happen, and the day was pretty relaxed except for a few braxon hicks.

Today I had a midwife appt, and chose to go ahead and be checked. One of the things I really enjoy about being with a midwife, is the control and respect given for choosing what is done to my body. I had no intentions on being checked at all this pregnancy, even during labor, but my thoughts changed when I realized that the closest I'd have one of my dearest friends is on the phone at the last part before I push... so if I'll be checked up to that point, why not now?

I was 30% dilated (2cm now), 1cm dilated (2cm on the outside), and soft. Just about normal for me at this point in time. Of course it doesn't say when I'll go in to labor, but it's quite interesting to watch (hear) things change on the inside as baby gets ready to make his/her entrance in to this world.

During this last hour (11pm now) I've had a few contractions, stronger then two days ago... I've been watching the time. Nothing consistent, and it's only been a few.

I watch the weather and wonder if the baby will choose to wait until Saturday, it's suppose to be a fairly nice day. But, if things start now, I do have the water tub inside and ready to set up :)

As I type this, the baby is wiggling around... what a sweet feeling, and one I will definitely miss.

39 Weeks

As this pregnancy reaches it's end (most likely the birth will be sometime within the next seven days), my body is definitely feeling it. Turning over in bed at night is very difficult - walking to the bathroom in the morning more often then not causes my lower back to radiate pain and my legs feel like they're weighted down, as I am waddling like a severely overweight penguin. Moving in general is slow, putting on shoes is difficult, getting back up from being on the floor even more so.... everything is a challenge. But, a challenge that leaves me smiling. Inside I feel this little life that moves around, hiccups, and who I wonder if s/he has an idea of what is soon to come.... leaving the only world s/he has known.

I watch the 10-day weather report and wonder if the weather will be favorable to deliver outside when labor starts. We're having an odd year this year, Seattle has yet to reach 75 degrees - rain is immense - the weather is also often questionable. The weather report the night before may have said rain, but there will be a surprise moment of sun that decides to stick around for the rest of the day. I really do hope to deliver outside, but also trust that this baby will know the right day to come on. It's relieving to know that I am trusted to choose where to deliver, and have already discussed with the midwives (they have said) what will need to happen if it's too cold outside for the baby after birth (all is fine if the baby's body below the neck is in the water, but when it's time to cut the cord and come out the baby will need to quickly go inside with daddy while I finish and end up inside myself).

I have been working a lot outside. Shoveling and hauling rock and dirt to finish filling the trim around the house - planting a few remaining plants, and weed wacking. I love being outside and the work seems to keep my body and spirit strong. At the end of the day my body feels exhausted, but inside I feel alive and vibrant. I am thankful to have things to do outside. I remember a few weeks ago when I took about a week off... I felt weak starting back up again. A strong body (so long as work isn't over-done) also helps to lead to an easier labor and delivery :)

Although the time of delivery is drawing nearer, along with keeping up with being active with yard work outside I've also been working with students (two so far, a third to start shortly) as much as possible - not only because of the pending delivery, but also because of the rain that seems to be near daily right now. Catching a moment of sun seems to be the goal. Yesterday I was working with one of the students on Aaleyah, and chose to see how much Aaleyah remembered about ground driving as well as where her confidence stood with it. My legs were so slow :) Pregnancy is quite the experience!