Such Preciousness

Dear Emily -

I've tried to start this entry to you a few different times and end up deleting what I type. I can't seem to express in words what I want to share with you.... the feeling I felt tonight just watching you sleep in my arms. You are so incredible, so amazing. Every day feels like a miracle, the gratefulness I feel to be able to have you in my arms.... to be able to touch your little fingers, run my fingers over your strands of hair, kiss your ears, watch you smile and roll around. You are a miracle, a little blessing.

Today your dad came to see you. There's so many things about him that I hope as the years pass you're able to learn from. He understands the value of wholesome foods, as well as the wisdom in financial savings. He researches and speaks with knowledge. He is compassionate and kind, even towards those who don't believe the same direction he does. He is a good friend towards others, and I have no doubt that he will be a good father for you to lean on for guidance and love as you grow.

He was talking today about the strength the women in his family hold, and mentioned you may be like them too :)

You are starting to look outside the small bubble around you and I, and notice others without crying. You're observing without clinging to me at the same time. It was neat to watch you with your dad today, although I do look forward to when you reach the stage to where you can play on his lap and with him and feel secure. The time is coming. You've only recently started playing with your siblings for longer periods of time so I can take a shower or start a load of dishes.

Right now you're asleep behind me - you've grown so much and seem to be going through a growth spurt right now. The purple pajamas you're wearing say 12mo... you're not THAT big, but it does fit comfortably on you.

I'm watching you breathing, and your fingers twitching occasionally. I am so thankful for you Emily, you are such a blessing to your entire family.

Movie: "Miracle Run" and how Emily came to be

I'm watching "Miracle Run" right now, a story about a mother who stands behind her two autistic twins to help them become all they can be in life. I'm half way through the movie so far and already I've ended up with a few moments of teary eyes.

I spent three years looking for just the right person to be Emily's dad. The first couple years weren't so bad, since I was trying to understand the direction I was suppose to go to bring this child in to our home. I wondered how she would make it here. Would it be through a donor? I searched and advertised, answered ads, and put together what was most important to me in a donor while in the mean time going on to have Cassidy and Loraine, my surrogate daughters. I wondered if she would make it here through foster to adopt, so I went through the process of foster classes to become licensed.... only to be told in the end that since I had an extra child (friends son) living with me I wasn't able to foster as a single parent... I was limited to four children as a single parent, and this extra child was already four. Ok, so she wouldn't make it here that way but I sure learned a lot.

Chase though - that's what this is about. What an incredible young man, and how our family misses him. He has autism, ODD, ADHD, OCD, Depression, and a handful of other diagnosis. He went home, and didn't work out there... even though he was welcomed back to our home, he went to the other side of the US to live with his dad. I worry about him every day, but that's another story.

Fostering has always been something I've wanted to do, and thought the time had finally come - but I guess not. Chase did something for me though. Although I've always enjoyed working with children that some consider "different" or "difficult to work with/reach through to", Chase put me in the position of first hand experience of day to day living. He was amazing, brilliant, and incredible - his IQ climbed 12 points, he improved five grade levels (from 3rd to his current 8th grade), and accomplished so many other things in the six and a half months he was with me. It wasn't easy, life was exhausting - he was like having five kids in one. My son, Jonah, said I had aged quite a number of years in my face.

When he went back home I took a while to regroup myself emotionally, and continued to search for where this child was suppose to come from. I resumed looking for a donor, and as I felt Emiliy so close - I found myself in tears, so deeply wanting her in my arms. Why was it so hard to find this person? I had helped three children make it here to their parents as a surrogate, why was it so difficult to find someone, the right person, to help this child make it here to us? I had even asked a few special friends, but each said no and for reasons that were understandable - - I still cried when alone. I knew it wasn't fair to think that way, but I ached for this child - so deeply wanting her. Maybe that's what has brought her to being even that much more special to me.

And then I met Shawn. Every day I see him in Emily, and her personality, think of him and thank him. She grabs my neck and hugs me, or gives me an open mouth kiss to check (new), laughs, does something remarkable and makes all these new progresses each day... and think of him. She's here because of him.... and she has an absolutely amazing father, because of him.

I am beyond grateful for this child, this little girl who for three years I searched for how she was suppose to make it here - listened and felt for what my path to finally holding her was suppose to be. I am so thankful for her, every day and moment. I can't express my love enough - nor how deep my appreciation is to her dad.

And yet I still wonder.... I think at some point in my life I will still be a foster parent, to a hard to place child. I would like to welcome an autistic child in to my home again, but one I hope so much wont be in the position to be taken back before we cross the hilltop in goals. I can feel that time will be there.... but not yet.... and not any time soon. Maybe once my children are all grown and I can focus everything to this child. If that is the case, and this child is in spirit right now, it brings me to a question I continue to wonder....

Why? Here I hold in my family four incredible children - two with special needs - they are perfect for my family and I am thankful that I can help successfully guide them, but why would a special needs child choose a home and a body where they can't succeed in? My heart breaks for them, and I think back to Chase - but maybe part of his purpose in this life was to bless our family in the way he did, show me how good I really was at working with an autistic child, and what one day I can give to a child. Thank you Chase.

This movie is now 3/4 done....

... and there go the teary eyes again. These children hold such internal beauty and uniqueness, I wish the world would be able to see more who these children truly are and all the incredibleness they can bring to this world.

The power of the spoon for the princess of cuteness

Katie, 6, eats the way I wish I would eat. She's choosier with food and stops when she's full. Alyssa, 11, eats the way I tend to eat - inhale and loving buffets. She often will try any new foods at least once also. I remember being little and always wanting sugar (what kid doesn't?) - Alyssa has very much been like this also. Katie keeps it pretty well in check.

Emily already shows the signs of loving anything. I wonder what foods it will be that she doesn't care for? Katie doesn't usually like sauce on things, I wonder if Emily will. All the kids love vegetables and salads, will Emily? I wonder.... but what my hope is above all others is that she can be guided to make wise food choices and take the guiding when she has to choose foods on her own. I've read about how foods are introduced to her now, can effect her direction in food choices in the future. I hope to do as good of a job as I can.

Emily loves her exersaucer, but the humor comes at the end.....

How could I choose just one???? Emily and her tongue, LOL

Here it comes - she spotted the spoon that I was going to use to wave above the camara to get her attention....

Waving - "Look here Emily!"

OHHH!!! YUM!!! I WANT A BITE!!! MMmmm!!

"Oh please, please please **suck suck** Pleeeeease can I have a bite????"

More Firsts

There have been so many special events with Emily's growth happening, it's been so incredible. Every day is like a new adventure, filled with new experiences as I watch this amazing little girl experience a new day. Just as wonderful has been how much I want to share these events with her dad, so out comes the phone and a text of the new exciting event :)

Emily is now eating solid baby foods - I haven't so much been following the recommended time frames for food introductions, but rather have been listening to my intuition as to what she's ready for and how much. She loves food, which is cute, but no doubt will become a little frustrating as she gets older so soon the time will come where I'll have to work on matters. She does well, but leaning over to lick my cup of tea as I'm trying to drink it, or grab the same cup I'm trying in a grocery store, isn't necessarily considered polite. The time will come to guide her in how to say please and ask for a taste of something... without her tongue wrapping around it to indicate she wants a taste too, lol.

Emily sat up for the first time yesterday! I was getting ready to go and had her sitting on a friends couch next to me, and there she was, holding herself up with her hands and grinning all proud like. I just watched her, smiled, and talked all proud like to her - she babbles back as if she knew exactly how cool this new development was. Oh Emily, you are just so darn cute!!

An event happened yesterday that left me just as equally proud, if not more so. I am working to raise my milk supply for the two other babies I pump for and needed to stop at the local health food store to pick up Fenugreek and Marshmallow Root. I needed Blessed Thistle too but couldn't find it in any of the brands. I sent Jonah to grab someone to help, and the lady that came around the corner seemed exasperated as she answered that it would be right where I was if they had it - and tried to search for it too. We found it in another products but I needed it on it's own (to raise milk production it compliments fenugreek).

She took a moment to say hello to Emily, and as she did the tension lightened. Emily smiled at her and she smiled back, "Quite an active tongue you have there!" she said to Emily. Emily laughed, and she laughed too. She put out her hand and Emily put her hand on top of hers - she covered it and showed it to her, covered it back up again (if a baby can't see something it's nonexistant) - and Emily looked down at her hand and grinned and pulled it out and put it back on top of her hand again. I was impressed as I watched this interaction, but what happened next amazed me the most.....

The lady put her hands together, closed her middle fingers down, turned her hands and wiggled her middle fingers. Emily was bewildered and watched her do this a few different times and then looked at her own hands and gripped her hands together to make one big fist. She repeated this a few different times. Emily clearly knew what she was trying to do, and she also knew that what this lady was doing wasn't something typically done with hands - and she was going to try it! :)

This picture was taken today - Alyssa wanted to try on Emily's swimming suit that she found hanging in the closet. It was a quick candid picture, "Smile Girls!" *hearts*

And for the wondering minds... Emily has yet to have her first tooth pop through, but it's coming! She has quite the bump under her gums (her bottom left), a tooth workings it's way towards the surface to sparkle for all to see :)