I spent three years looking for just the right person to be Emily's dad. The first couple years weren't so bad, since I was trying to understand the direction I was suppose to go to bring this child in to our home. I wondered how she would make it here. Would it be through a donor? I searched and advertised, answered ads, and put together what was most important to me in a donor while in the mean time going on to have Cassidy and Loraine, my surrogate daughters. I wondered if she would make it here through foster to adopt, so I went through the process of foster classes to become licensed.... only to be told in the end that since I had an extra child (friends son) living with me I wasn't able to foster as a single parent... I was limited to four children as a single parent, and this extra child was already four. Ok, so she wouldn't make it here that way but I sure learned a lot.
Chase though - that's what this is about. What an incredible young man, and how our family misses him. He has autism, ODD, ADHD, OCD, Depression, and a handful of other diagnosis. He went home, and didn't work out there... even though he was welcomed back to our home, he went to the other side of the US to live with his dad. I worry about him every day, but that's another story.
Fostering has always been something I've wanted to do, and thought the time had finally come - but I guess not. Chase did something for me though. Although I've always enjoyed working with children that some consider "different" or "difficult to work with/reach through to", Chase put me in the position of first hand experience of day to day living. He was amazing, brilliant, and incredible - his IQ climbed 12 points, he improved five grade levels (from 3rd to his current 8th grade), and accomplished so many other things in the six and a half months he was with me. It wasn't easy, life was exhausting - he was like having five kids in one. My son, Jonah, said I had aged quite a number of years in my face.
When he went back home I took a while to regroup myself emotionally, and continued to search for where this child was suppose to come from. I resumed looking for a donor, and as I felt Emiliy so close - I found myself in tears, so deeply wanting her in my arms. Why was it so hard to find this person? I had helped three children make it here to their parents as a surrogate, why was it so difficult to find someone, the right person, to help this child make it here to us? I had even asked a few special friends, but each said no and for reasons that were understandable - - I still cried when alone. I knew it wasn't fair to think that way, but I ached for this child - so deeply wanting her. Maybe that's what has brought her to being even that much more special to me.
And then I met Shawn. Every day I see him in Emily, and her personality, think of him and thank him. She grabs my neck and hugs me, or gives me an open mouth kiss to check (new), laughs, does something remarkable and makes all these new progresses each day... and think of him. She's here because of him.... and she has an absolutely amazing father, because of him.
I am beyond grateful for this child, this little girl who for three years I searched for how she was suppose to make it here - listened and felt for what my path to finally holding her was suppose to be. I am so thankful for her, every day and moment. I can't express my love enough - nor how deep my appreciation is to her dad.
And yet I still wonder.... I think at some point in my life I will still be a foster parent, to a hard to place child. I would like to welcome an autistic child in to my home again, but one I hope so much wont be in the position to be taken back before we cross the hilltop in goals. I can feel that time will be there.... but not yet.... and not any time soon. Maybe once my children are all grown and I can focus everything to this child. If that is the case, and this child is in spirit right now, it brings me to a question I continue to wonder....
Why? Here I hold in my family four incredible children - two with special needs - they are perfect for my family and I am thankful that I can help successfully guide them, but why would a special needs child choose a home and a body where they can't succeed in? My heart breaks for them, and I think back to Chase - but maybe part of his purpose in this life was to bless our family in the way he did, show me how good I really was at working with an autistic child, and what one day I can give to a child. Thank you Chase.
This movie is now 3/4 done....
... and there go the teary eyes again. These children hold such internal beauty and uniqueness, I wish the world would be able to see more who these children truly are and all the incredibleness they can bring to this world.
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