Please....

Things with this pregnancy have been so quiet. Braxon Hicks haven't really been that strong, everything gentle and easy.

Tonight things changed. When sitting and watching two of my horses eating in a pasture I turned them out in to for an hour, Katie sat on my lap and ohhh did my stomach hurt. And then another tightening. I could feel my emotions becoming more jittery. I didn't like this. Walking back to the house and putting the horses away I just didn't feel right. I got dinner started (stew) and felt agitated, and came back to my room to sit and go through my email. When the girls came in the lights and noise flustered me... maybe just because I'm worried.

The baby has been moving around A LOT since I've been sitting. The tightening seems to have been just as much a fluster to him/her as it's been to me. S/he started hiccuping and pushing, not too delighted with the change in things.

I have drank a few cups of water, and going to drink some more. Braxon Hicks can pick up in intensity if you're dehydrated, so making sure that's not part of the cause. As I sat they were strong enough to where I had to lean back.... they're timely, which worries me. Oddly, 3-4min apart. I'm trying to feel around them to be sure it's not gas, or caused from the strong movements of the baby.

I just don't like the worry about the what-if's :( I will be thrilled when I'm at 37 weeks and such a thing as early labor is not a concern. I haven't ever gone in to early labor, and I certainly don't want to have a first. Health wise, the baby would most likely be fine.... but the little munchkin needs to stay in for another 2 1/2 weeks at least.

Little turkey... quiet down in there. Shhhhh.

I'm sure I'm just worrying over nothing, and I'll chuckle about it all tomorrow. And with Murphy's Law, I'll end up going over due :P

Ok, it's been five min..... and no braxon hick... this is good. They've been mostly 3min with a 4th min in there once in the last 35min of counting.... oh, there was just a light one.....

Going to lay down to see if these things quiet down and go away, after drinking another two more glasses of water.

Movements from within

Dear Baby -

I sit here with enveloped in so much love and dearness, that it has brought me to tears. Inside of me you are moving as I type, pushing with a knee and a foot - I think I can feel your hand go up against your home occasionally. I can feel your head adjusting. Earlier, as a baby I am watching was bumping up against my tummy, you were bumping back. You are so incredible, I am so lucky and so incredibly blessed.

I love you so much.

33w4d

The little one was much more active this morning, moving his/her head around and pushing a bit. Nothing too uncomfortable, and still nothing like the other children I've carried. I really enjoy laying on my side when I'm in bed, placing my hand over this gentle movement inside and feeling the little body movements. It's all so incredible.

I haven't felt as many braxon hicks with this baby as I've felt in the past also. I sure did this morning, though, and have felt more tonight. I've also had this lower achy feeling. Nothing to be alarmed at, just things to be aware of. I continue to be sure that I'm drinking enough water. Although I still have 1/2 bottle of my old vitamins left, I opened the bottle of vitamins that the dad gave me a few days ago.... ONE a day!! This is MUCH nicer then having to remember and take SIX, and I've certainly enjoyed it today :)

Since the ultrasound, these last few days have been interesting. When no one knew if this baby was a boy or a girl, it all was fine. But when the tech and the dad knew it all became uncomfortable. I felt myself listening for clues (drove me nuts that I was doing that! LOL).... not only from the dad, but also the tech too when she was finished. I wanted to know, but didn't want to know.

What was sad, is when it seems little signs said "girl", my heart dropped - and I felt the need just to know so I could be fine with it all. I didn't like that feeling, since either would be just fine. A girl would be beyond precious and so incredible.... a good part of me though does hope for a boy though. Jonah's my only boy, and with this being my last child it would be so amazing if I had one more son. Everyone but two people who have expressed their thoughts, have said boy ... and still say boy. Ryan, but also my almost 3yo surro-daughter Cassidy, who waved to the first ultrasound picture I sent them at 13weeks and said, "Hi Emily!" (she didn't know I was considering Emily as a name, since it was a name Jonah asked the day after insems *which he didn't know about*, if this little one turned out to be a girl).

And yet - a girl - how beautiful and wonderful. I love having daughters. There is something extra special about having a daughter - they're little magical princesses of the earth. I think about this baby being a girl, and feel the love and delight, all the what-ifs and her growing up... what she'll look like.... I say her name to myself and wonder if it will really fit her.

Where I felt my heart drop with the possibility of this baby being a girl after the ultrasound, I have also felt my heart re-fall back in love all over again to the possibility of a boy or a girl.

It's been quite an interesting process to go through, and I've enjoyed it. I am so thankful. Thankful to the dad, thankful to my children, and so completely thankful for this baby :)

Ultrasound Day

Dear Baby -

What a day yesterday was. I was able to see the most beautiful child up on a screen - you. A child with the most adorable lips and cheeks. A child who would smile (the second smile, I laughed - you grinned!), and a child who was just as relaxed all snuggled up in there as you feel to be from the outside. You are beautiful, and so deeply loved.

I still wonder if you're a boy or a girl. I look at your photos and wonder if you're a girl now, you are so beautiful. I close my eyes and feel you inside, and wonder if you're a boy. You are so quiet and gentle - all of my other children have not come close to your gentle spirit... and with having only carried one son (my first), I wonder if you're a boy?

I've been asked what I hope for. With all the dreaming, all I hope for to hold in my arms - is you. Whether you're a boy or a girl. It would be sweet to have another son, but yet maybe Jonah is suppose to be my only one? It would be so precious to have a little girl, they're the princesses of the earth. You have two big sisters that would be excited :D I watched your dad yesterday and imagined him having a son or a daughter - my heart melts with the thoughts of you in his arms, and as you get older. He will be an amazing father to you, regardless. I did leave the ultrasound asking Jen if she was still saving baby girl clothes for me in case you're a daughter... she is.

I didn't think I could fall in love with you any more, but seeing your little face up on the screen yesterday... I did. I woke up this morning with my heart flip-flopping thinking about your picture, and you snuggled inside of me. I am in love. You mean the world to me, and I am so thankful to hold you so close already - and soon in my arms.

Jennifer took the picture down below. The series was pretty cute - As soon as your brother and sisters saw that I was taking a photo, they all started back out of the van also so they too could be in the picture. This was the last photo that Jen took. There you are in my tummy, 32w6d. My three wonderful children, and a man who I hope knows my heart will always love him. A wonderful and gentle man, so thoughtful and compassionate - a man who obviously loves you deeply already - your father. You are a very lucky child.

We all can't wait for you :)

Ugh of a day

Today has been one of the most uncomfortable days I've experienced in quite a while - quite possibly during this pregnancy. I slept normal and woke up normal, but trying to actually become fully awake so I had the energy to work outside today just wasn't happening. I ended up going to Jens to help her clean her house since I knew without question that I wasn't going to have the energy to do anything at mine for a while, and Jen has helped me tremendously with little projects around my house over these last number of weeks.

Bending over to pick things up hurt. I felt sick. I felt as though it took all my effort just to walk, and if I could have sat the entire day I would have. I felt crampy and nauseous, and overall just extremely uncomfortable. I wondered if I'd end up throwing up, thank goodness I didn't.

I tried many things to wake up - including eating, eating some more, fruit, and other things. Nothing worked. I just wanted to crawl back in to bed.

When arriving home, I drug myself outside. "Drugggggg" really was the word. On the phone with my mom, she mentioned after I commented how much I wanted to just go lay down that I should do just that.... but I know that once I start working I feel much better.

And I did, but it took a little while. It wasn't until almost 4pm that my body finally kicked in to gear. I was able to get the hot-wire up around the pasture, the back yard raked (where my pony had to stay these last number of days), and part of the side yard taken care of.... Jen arrived and worked with me on both of the yards which was nice. Tomorrow, I sure hope that my energy is there, there's so much I want to get done!

Last minute I was called off to babysit. here I was looking forward to going to bed early, and instead I was off to work. It was worth it though, it always is..... but I sure debated about NOT going. Now, at 3:15am, I finally have arrived home and can climb in to bed to hopefully sleep for a while before being up at 8am to start getting Katie ready to go visit a friend for the day - she's very excited :) Unfortunately it sounds like an ear infection was trying to get ahold of her - I think we have it beat, quite possibly. Between breast milk in the ear this evening, a certain herbal product taken orally, and tea tree oil fumes while she sleeps now that we arrive home.... hopefully come morning she'll be good to go. She's much better now then she was this evening.

Tonight this baby has been the most active, revving himself up starting at about 11pm. He's been kicking away since, and still is there moving his body around. He's not really "kicking" per say, just pushing with his legs and arms. It's quite an interesting feeling, he's without doubt MUCH stronger then he was a few weeks ago.

32w2d

Dear Baby -

Today I had a midwife appt for you. Your home measured 34cm and heart rate was in the 130's. It's still such a sweet sound to hear your heartbeat on the doppler.

There was a student midwife who took my vitals and tried to hear your heartbeat first with a stethoscope type instrument. She found your heartbeat but then you moved and she couldn't find it again. She tried to feel for your position but wasn't having much luck. She asked where I had felt you kicking, and I showed her (top right side) and mentioned that you were head down. The midwife checked, and definitely felt your head but she too couldn't find your bum. She said that you had lots of room in there :)

What a sweet gentle being you are - so gentle with your movements.

I saw a friend yesterday who I haven't seen for about two years. She didn't know I was pregnant. She asked if I knew if you were a boy or a girl - I didn't - and she stopped and after a moment said that she felt 'boy'... that all she could see was a little baby buddha boy :)

What a special moment it's going to be, to deliver you (so special just in itself) - the moment of looking to see if you are Aden or Emily. I find myself thinking about that moment more and more, as the weeks pass by. Thinking about your birth... laboring with you... pushing you out.... and holding you for the very first time. I think about the moment your placed in your dads arms, and how he'll feel. What sweet thoughts :)

Today I scheduled the long awaited 4D ultrasound appt that your dad has been waiting for. He's been so sweet and patient in his waiting. It's the 19th at 3:15. I look forward to seeing your little face and body.... but I still want whether your a boy or a girl to stay a surprise, so I'll be closing my eyes and ears when the lady with the want takes a look. I think your dad wants to know, so he'll be the only one! What a sweet secret for him to hold all to himself :)

I find myself melting when talking about your dad to another, what a sweet and kind person he is, and how lucky you are to be able to have him in your life. You really are. And, we all are very lucky and blessed to have you in all of our lives. You are so deeply loved and cherished.

Day of struggles

Today has been a difficult day. It started out fine, running around with five children - but all were great. Found a wonderful rooster, and was on my way to get Alyssa to a birthday party. I stopped at the mail box to see if I missed any mail from yesterday, and pulled out an envelope.

Papers I needed to sign for Loraine, so her dad can adopt her, sent my their attorney. Loraine is my #3 surrogate daughter, and sister to my #1.

My heart dropped. Not that I minded signing the papers, how exciting that her dad is going to be able to finally be on the papers! But rather that since September our communication hasn't been the same.... our communication has always been strong - I was never told these papers were on their way (which I would have been in the past). It's been 9mo since I've seen them - where offers of getting together came from both of us before and rarely were turned down, they've been turned down multiple times. Last time I saw them was in July. I've missed watching Loraine grow, and have missed seeing the family all together - which is the wonderful part of surrogacy. I've missed talking with this incredible man who is their mother. I've missed seeing my kids and their kids all play together, and marvel and the delightfulness of surrogacy.... and how blessed I am.

In all of 7 1/2 years, this is the first time I've really felt such heartache. It's had me close to tears today. I still feel like at any moment I could break out in sobs. Hormones in part, I'm sure - but not all hormones.

I really do care about him and his family. I feel very lucky to have been able to carry his daughters here to him.

I've thought how really the only explination is this pregnancy, since things changed once he was told I was pregnant. I emailed him today and asked if he'd go shopping with the baby's dad to help him choose some baby items. I didn't hear back.

I need to sign the papers tomorrow and send them back, so they can take care of the adoption on their end. At the same time, I wonder to myself - will he end up cutting off contact? It's hard to believe, but I guess it's always possible. When will I see them all again? Could it be a few years? I had to explain to my children today, that when it comes to surrogacy it's always possible for the parents to decide not to have contact anymore, at any time, or to change the type of contact they have.... this is their child, and they have to decide what is right.

And I wonder to myself.... was it worth it? It was, but said with a heavy heart. This child means the world to me and so does his father. A dream to my own children also, and at the same time to the baby's dad too. I just pray that.... well... maybe that he just has his own feelings to work through, and in a while it will be ok. I wish I could take him though and share how precious this all is. Help answer any questions he has, and help him feel better about things.

31w2d

I sit here at 31w2d, absolutley exhausted. I twirl in the chair, side to side, trying to eleviate the pressure on my lower back. I wrap wrap my hands around my swollen stamach, and smile - thinking about the little one growing inside. Getting down on to the ground is difficult, as is standing up. While moving the chair, I can feel the little one inside moving - little feet and hands pushing slightly. It's a lovely feeling.

I'm exhausted, but so happy. For the last few weeks a friend, Jen, and I have been working hard to make the property look nicer. To seperate the garden area from the dog area, to trim the house with landscaping wood, to plant raspberries, grapes, strawberries and trees, build raised beds, and plan what is to come next. I've found myself flustered if a day goes by where I'm not working, it feels like a wasted day. If I sit too long in the house, I become exhausted and wanting to lay down and sleep. Even though it's difficult to get up and down, to work my body and do things to improve the property, my body feels so much better. Everything is still difficult, but physically and spiritually I am so happy and peaceful.

I have been thinking more about the day of the birth, a time that could be arriving anywhere between 6-9 weeks from now.... probably closer to 9. How this little baby I feel moving around so softly inside, will finally be in my arms. It's a sweet feeling. I think about the first moment that Shawn touches his child, and this baby rests in his arms.... and is able to hold a child that came to be from his giving and generousity - I will always love him for this. I think about my children, how they've waited so long for this baby - and think about them holding this child.

Not too much longer. Each day I'm grasping at to get things done though. Not only do I need to have the garden going so we can freely eat an abundance of fruits and vegetable this year if we're lucky and things grow well, but having an infant does take up a lot of time and it's this child where my focus will be.

Little One. I think I'm still in quite disbelief that s/he's really coming.

The challenge of moving, difficulty breathing, exhausting easily, swollen and tired foot, and multiple trips to the bathroom in a short period of time... are all reminding me that it really is true :)

Yesterday had me rolling my eyes and chuckling. Jen and I went to Home Depot to pick up some items that she needed. When leaving the house, I took a HUGE container of water with me. I woke up quite thirsty. I ended up guzzling the water, and not 30min later I was waddling as quickly as I could to the bathroom - "Are you serious?? That's IT???" - and yet not 20min later, back to the quick duck waddle to make it in time again, to only repeat the feeling of frustration that such a small amount needed to come out. A few more potty trips later, the time came to leave home depot. Back home, another potty break, and another again.

Swear my bladder is the size of a pea. Kisses to sweet baby who's not playing trampoline on it like past children have. I love this child's sweetness already :)