Day of struggles

Today has been a difficult day. It started out fine, running around with five children - but all were great. Found a wonderful rooster, and was on my way to get Alyssa to a birthday party. I stopped at the mail box to see if I missed any mail from yesterday, and pulled out an envelope.

Papers I needed to sign for Loraine, so her dad can adopt her, sent my their attorney. Loraine is my #3 surrogate daughter, and sister to my #1.

My heart dropped. Not that I minded signing the papers, how exciting that her dad is going to be able to finally be on the papers! But rather that since September our communication hasn't been the same.... our communication has always been strong - I was never told these papers were on their way (which I would have been in the past). It's been 9mo since I've seen them - where offers of getting together came from both of us before and rarely were turned down, they've been turned down multiple times. Last time I saw them was in July. I've missed watching Loraine grow, and have missed seeing the family all together - which is the wonderful part of surrogacy. I've missed talking with this incredible man who is their mother. I've missed seeing my kids and their kids all play together, and marvel and the delightfulness of surrogacy.... and how blessed I am.

In all of 7 1/2 years, this is the first time I've really felt such heartache. It's had me close to tears today. I still feel like at any moment I could break out in sobs. Hormones in part, I'm sure - but not all hormones.

I really do care about him and his family. I feel very lucky to have been able to carry his daughters here to him.

I've thought how really the only explination is this pregnancy, since things changed once he was told I was pregnant. I emailed him today and asked if he'd go shopping with the baby's dad to help him choose some baby items. I didn't hear back.

I need to sign the papers tomorrow and send them back, so they can take care of the adoption on their end. At the same time, I wonder to myself - will he end up cutting off contact? It's hard to believe, but I guess it's always possible. When will I see them all again? Could it be a few years? I had to explain to my children today, that when it comes to surrogacy it's always possible for the parents to decide not to have contact anymore, at any time, or to change the type of contact they have.... this is their child, and they have to decide what is right.

And I wonder to myself.... was it worth it? It was, but said with a heavy heart. This child means the world to me and so does his father. A dream to my own children also, and at the same time to the baby's dad too. I just pray that.... well... maybe that he just has his own feelings to work through, and in a while it will be ok. I wish I could take him though and share how precious this all is. Help answer any questions he has, and help him feel better about things.