Emily and Sierra

Dear Emily ~

I think the time has definitely come where I need to set aside time specifically for you to spend with Sierra. Sierra, who has floated from Jonah, to Alyssa, and to Katie, will soon enough be your pony. Today you spent time with her brushing and leading her. Only once did you yell in fear and concern, and that was when towering above you was this muzzle/mouth that was a bit on the concerning side to you.

You sure are brave though, even at that moment you tackled what you wanted and went for it. You continue to amaze me at your strength in power and being. Sierra sure seems to enjoy the attention from you, but be forwarned my dear, she will give you a run for your money. She has an attitude to match yours if you don't stay please and thank you to her :)

You have entered this interesting stage, it sure seems like a two-year-old phase. Most especially when you're tired! I can work with this new way of expressing yourself, I just hope you never loose your strong confidence and being. You are brilliant and amazing!

Today we ended the day picking blackberries to freeze. You love to help, love to pick and place in my container. I need to get you one of your own, a plastic one, since glass jars don't fair too well with little helping hands. But, you picked away and loved dropping them in the container, and would ask if I could give you the ones I picked for you to drop in also. You're quite the adorable one.

One of the things I appreciate most about your personality, is although polite and asking for permission for things, you also are independant and a "do it myself" type of child. You problem solve and come up with solutions, rather then expecting someone else to do it for you. You think and find an answer. It continues to amaze me :)

You're not too in to picking these and eating them right away, but you sure love them in smoothies to drink!

You, Kaitlynn and Luke

Dear Emily -

You can't seem to get enough of the outdoors. You see the front door open and you are hi-tailing it, trying to reach it before it shuts. You just want to be outside. And our little kiddy pool? You love it. Love swirling sticks around in it and climbing on in to stomp your feet around. Kaitlynn is your partner in crime, trying to run for the door when it opens also so she too can be outside, and just as with you, heads right for the kiddy pool also :)

You, with Kaitlynn and Luke. Just as their mommy was at your birth, I was able to see both of them come in to the world also. Special memories all around.

Holding hands :)

First Bite / First Time-Out

Dear my sweet little Emily ~

I undestand that Kaitlynn can be a challenge sometimes, with her strong nature, not wanting to share, and being a bit on the rough side, but she's also very loving and gentle too. When you were looking out the window today and she came up and squeezed you against the window frame and she wouldn't move, because she wanted to be in that spot and wouldn't listen to you voicing your disapproval, although I can completely understand your reasonings, vice gripping your teeth on her arm wasn't the best idea.

I had to put you in your very first time-out today, and it made my heart so sad. I tried standing you in the corner, before realizing that you were ONLY 14mo and sitting would be best. You were upset, but you did seem to understand.

Please try not to bite again. You have very lovely powerful teeth, and a strong mind to match them, but these teeth are best left off other peoples skin. I also didn't enjoy removing these teeth from her arm, along with one very ticked off girl that sported them.

Love,

Your mom

Another day of picking

With the blueberry batch seeming pretty well picked of all the ripe berries, we turned to blackberries. Yum! Emily once again dove in to help with the picking... and eating!

Well, there was a blackberry in that jar. It either hit the ground or Emily's mouth. Tasty treats for the tummy :)

Big brother, Jonah, and Emily playing on the tractor pretending to drive. So very very cute. Emiy completely got in to it and pretended to drive, noises and all, once Jonah got off :D

Dear Emily ~

You, without doubt, love picking blackberries and blueberries. As your brother and I head down to the blueberry patch to fill containers to freeze for smoothies, you eagerly want to join in also. You are so strong and independant!

The two of us <3

Mmmmm.... a perfectly ripe blueberry!

Brother, sharing his blackberries...

Always great to share, even with the dog :)

Bathtime Fun

Dear Emily ~

Kaitlynn came over to play today for the afternoon, and although she had her first timeout with me here because she hit you with a shoe, you guys had a great time!

Playing with someone so close to your age, or development, caused some issues to arrise. She wanted to sit in your doll stroller, you wanted to push it without her in it. She wanted to stay, you wanted her out. You have quite the voice on you, my dear. No room to question your thoughts! Try to be patient with her Emily, she is such a sweet little girl but tries to rough and tumble as much as her older brother does. He's 3yrs older.

Kaitlynn was born 9/4, just a handful of days before I tried to see if you were ready to start growing and join our family. She's a pretty special little one.

Tonight you tried hot dogs for the first time, cut in to small rounds and then in to quarters. I handed you a fork and watched you so carefully pick up each little piece with your fork. How come some kids choose to eat with forks and spoons while others choose their hands? You don't seem to mind taking the time to eat this way :)

Following dinner, the two of you girls definitely needed a bath and in to the tub you went. You thought this was FUN! Next time I'll pour in the tub toys and welcome the two of you to hang out play in the water for a while :)

It was great to have two girls to wash down, and wash hair, who didn't mind water running over their face. Sure makes things easier! Your sister Katie hated having water near her face with a passion. Not so easy to wash a toddlers hair in cases like this. You though, no problems at all :)

First night with the number board

Dear Emily ~

Last night I took your number board that your dad bought you and started working on it with you for the first time. You were so very excited about sitting with a purpose to learn. So much so that when I went to lift you up to dance, you wanted nothing to do with that, sat back down, grabbed your board, and went back to work, haha. I look at you and really wonder. Wonder what next month is going to bring in your development.

I love you :)

Total Silliness

Dear Emily -

If you haven't realized it already, our family is weird. You have a sister, Katie, who can be the silliest most off the wall 6yo I know. Alyssa, who is nearing 12yo, is quite proper but paired up with her friend Sana, they can be so full of life! Jonah... now Jonah is full of so much humor that he often has me rolling in tears.... literally.... tears running down my face.

You have absorbed this humor. You know you are funny, and you know you are everything. You too have me laughing, kissing you, and just giving mommy mushiness! I do try to encourage this, and find the moments you're trying to be silly to laugh and encourage it. The humor I see coming out in you is so great!

Yesterday Katie grabbed some things while I sat next to your brother, "HOLD STILL!!! Oh, this is going to look CUTE!!" and she started decorating us. The necklace there that's on my head, you did end up breaking it accidentally when we were in the store later that evening, but no big deal.

Jonah making a sad face next to Monster drinks at the store, something he knows he wont be able to have another of now that he's arrived back home :P

Your sister, Katie :)

Sleepy Mornings

Dear Emily ~

One of my most favorite times with you is the morning times. To watch you peacefully sleep... little fingers twitching, wondering what you could be dreaming.

I co-sleep with you and have since you were born, and I did with my other children also. For me it's perfect, for you it seems perfect... what I didn't expect was that it would end up most likely saving your life back in the beginning when your body kept wanting to stop breathing. I don't think I've ever been so exhausted and so afraid. You haven't had an episode since you were 6mo.

This morning as you awoke, you streeeetched and said "DA! DA!" a few times, rolled over and up on to your knees and signed that you'd like to nurse. You love to nurse, and I cherish each day since all too quickly the day will come when you wont want to anymore. You settled in and fell back asleep. So precious.

My baby girl, I love you. So very very much.

Your sister, Katie, does too!

.... and Jonah, who was still fast asleep in his own room, and Alyssa who was out watching a tiger documentary.

Brother comes home

Dear Emily

I write this at 3am, so is today yesterday or is today tomorrows today? :)

We picked up your big brother today, wow did he miss you!! You were shy at first but warmed up pretty quickly to him. Two months away, I sure missed that kid! You've been babbling to him a lot tonight, leaving him saying, "WOW MOM!! Did you hear that??? Did she really just say all those words??" Yep :) Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to take some pictures of the two of you together.

We also went down to Jennifer's property down in Chehalis to help with little chores around the place. Slathered you up with sunscrean and put you on my back. You sure enjoyed yourself!

Today was the first day I really put shoes on you. Jennifer and I were laughing in sweet mommy hysterics watching you try to walk. You were lifting your feet way up high and out, you got it though! :) In Chehalis there were a lot of little stickers on the ground so you needed something to protect your feet. I'm glad you kept them on, although you pulled them back off once we were in the car again.

Friday you met someone, her name is Ashley. I am very excited to see what Ashley's able to do for surros and IPs, she's unique. I hope all she dreams takes off and comes to life. She came out so we could finally meet, but also so the kids could run around and enjoy the pony. Both Ashely and her husband rode Holly the BIG horse around too. I wonder when you'll ride Holly?

And just because this picture was so darn cute, this was you this morning as we brushed your teeth. you're getting much better with it! You've always enjoyed your teeth being brushed, but trying to brush the top and you'd suck on the toothbrush. Try to brush the bottom and your tongue would stick out over your teeth. But, we're getting to those adorable little pearly white teeth of yours and doing much better brushing!

Pondering the moment of creation

For a moment I want to write, not to Emily, but thoughts from today.

This morning after awakening with my beautiful daughter next to me, I sat quietly with pondering thoughts. I thought about how two years ago I had spent the last handful of months crying. Wondering why, after helping others have children, was it so difficult to find the right donor for our family? Three years I had been looking, talking with different potential donors, and when it didn't feel right I had to move on and keep looking. for six months a very good friend debated donating before he felt it wouldn't be the best decision for himself - a decision I now thank him for, but at the time was hard. I remember sobbing in the car of another friend while she listened to me and tried to give me words of hope.... and crying when I was by myself so no one else had to listen to me. Why??? Three children I helped to give life to, two families I finished.... why was it so difficult to finish my family?

I so deeply wanted this child, and although I held her in my heart and loved her so much, my arms craved to hold her. I pleaded to fate, prayed and hoped, and wondered if it ever was going to be. Was I going to have to accept that as much as I loved and wanted this child, it just wasn't meant to happen? Even just typing this my eyes are filling with tears.

I have never had to go through the pain of infertility, but I feel I was being given a partial taste of what it is like for a hopeful mother looking for a surrogate, month after month - I can't imagine what it would be like to stand in her shoes completely :( I have so much respect for those who completely trust and hand this child of theirs, who has been held so close in their heart, to another to carry and grow. What trust.

As I sat this morning, my sleeping daughter still well in dream land, I thought of how this man came to my house. We walked the property and met the animals, ate dinner, and he disappeared in to the bathroom. When it was my turn, I remember holding this cup and it felt unreal. I remember just looking at what was inside. There I held what potentially could end up being my dream come true. Not for another couple, not to create what they wished for more deeply then anything else in the world.... but for my family. A sibling my children so very much wanted. I loved this child so much, could this be it? In my hands the possibility was real, and all because of a man who gave a part of himself. I couldn't thank him enough, and I don't feel I ever will be able to. In my daughters eyes, smile, laughter, walk, touch hugs and kisses, I see him. And I thank him.... every single day. She is here because of him. She is my daughter because of him.

I tried to give my thanks by including him in all I could. The antisipation of testing to see if she was on her way. I blogged so he could read about the morning sickness, food cravings, the difficulty of walking and the body pain. I took pictures, and shared my growing tummy. I welcomed his love for her, as my love for my surrogate daughters had been welcomed also.

I didn't want to know if this dream child was a boy or a girl, I wanted to wait and be surprised. I wanted to hold on to this magic for as long as possible. I gave him the option to know though, and the ultrasound tech showed him. He kept the secret to himself.

When Emily was born, surrounded by three excited siblings, I looked... and as much as I had hoped for a boy, this little girl, within a micro-second, became my world. Even now, I still remember the feeling of her being born and lifting her out of the water and to my chest. She was mine to raise and guide in this world. And the man who gave that possibility to me, a sister to three siblings who cried when they were told she was on her way, was right there as well. That same day, he became a father.

I remember experiencing feelings that I wasn't prepared for, but left me with so much respect for intended mothers in the surrogate world. I remember feeling fear of Shing bonding "too much" with Emily. How much time time with should I give? How much was right and fair for his emotions? Would I actually unknowingly be hurting him by giving him all the time with her he wanted those first few days? Would he fall too much in love with her and try to claim father rights? I did struggle inside with these emotions, and thought of intended mothers who finally hold their baby and wonder how much bonding they should allow their surrogate to experience. Did they struggle with these emotions? For the IMs who choose not to let their surro spend much time with the baby, is it more out of trying to protect their surros heart? Do IMs experience emotions they didn't expect? I can only imagine they do. I can only imagine what I experienced was the tinist fraction of what IMs experience...... I felt a newfound thanks to my IM (as well as IFs) for all they gave and freely allowed me to experience during the first week of their child finally being here with them.

I often thought back to what meant so much to me as a surrogate, and gave that to Shing. Pictures, visits, updates - down to tiny details, but more then anything the freedom to love her however much and deeply he wanted. It felt to be one of the most greatest returns of thanks I could possibly give him.

On a more difficult note... I remember, as I stood there with my first postitive pregnancy test for Emily, feeling such thrill, tears of thanks... as well as an immense amount of guilt and sadness. Although I was happy, I hurt also. Why was it so easy for me to get pregnant? It seemed so unfair. Unfair when there are so many women who try month after month, year after year, to have a baby. Who are told they are unable to carry and have to look down another path should they wish to experience motherhood... even having to turn to asking another woman to carry her child for her. I felt as though I didn't have the right to experience such joy when there were so many who anguished every day :(

I didn't expect to be a surrogate again, I thought Emily was going to be my last. I was going to carry a sibling for her dad, but sadly that wont be happening for reasons that I think will always hurt Shing's and my heart :( I would like to help another couple though, if the right ones are there again. I wonder if fate has that in store? I wonder.

To this amazing man who gave the ability for my daughter to make it here to me, and for my childrens little sister to make it here to them, thank you. Thank you for our daughter. So beautiful and strong, so very smart and caring. She is a dream come true, and loved by so many. She completes our family, and a family you will always be a part of also. She is one very lucky girl to have such a wonderful father. I feel so honored and blessed to be her mother.

Playing with makeup with big sister!

Dear Emily ~

I've always allowed your sisters to play with makeup, with the requirement that before putting it on they have to ask. As you are getting older, Katie has started to as if she can put some on you. Usually when this question comes up we aren't going anywhere, so I've started to say yes to certain things much to her delight.

The pictures above was the second time I allowed Katie to put nail polish on your nails, you loved it and held very still. Much to Katie's estatic delight I said ok when she hauled out this eye shadow thing. Once again you held so still, and then broke out in giggly laughter when she finished :)

Dear Emily -

You were so funny this morning. I was giving you kisses and a playful manner, and you were rolling and giggling. One of those giggles that someone within ear-shot range cant help but giggle themselves. You are so precious!

I grabbed the phone to video it for your dad, but as soon as you saw the phone/camera pointed your way you softened the hysterical giggling you were doing. I got a little of it though :)

We met with a friend for lunch, who watched your hand/eye coordination and was quite impressed. Yum, that's my daughter!

Smile and giggle on, my little one!

Picture day at a horse show

Dear Emily ~

Today we spend the day out at Donida Farms, taking pictures of a couple riders while they competed in their classes. It was a very early rise for us, and you ended up sleeping along the way. This first picture was taken as soon as I woke you up and put you on my back. You still look a bit groggy :)

You were so patient today, as your usual loving self as you reached out to touch different horses. Wingman, one of the horses we were taking pictures of, you asked to hold his reins when I held and led him. At one point we were standing next to him and he blew hard, blowing your hair backwards. You giggled, and I couldn't help but laugh. Loud horse whiney's and snorts don't bother you at all, many kids are usually scared of such loud noises coming from a big animal, even adults sometimes are! Not you though.


Today, Emily, someone I knew for many years and had considered a close friend, did something very hurtful a couple years ago. She came up and heartfully apologized for her actions and offered such kind words. I still feel the hurt inside, but I also feel such respect for what she did. Not many people are able to do that, even when they know they've done something wrong. I hope as you grow, you can have enough honor to apologize if you ever hurt another person. I hope I am able to guide you in this area ok.

Tomorrow we may be going back. I watched the show today, and some of the little kids riding, and wondered to myself if you'll have the passion to be out there and showing one day too. Your big brother showed back when he was little, the little pony Sierra that you rode yesterday - tomorrow one of his high point show pads is being used for another horse. Both of your sisters have taken the initiative to be out riding more, and both have the passion also (although neither have showed yet). You show the natural love for horses, I wonder in what direction your love for them will take you? Just watching them? Drawing them? Riding them here at the house, or showing? I wonder. Hopefully I can always support whatever your dreams are, whatever they may be and wherever your interests may take you in life.

Riding Sierra

Dear Emily -

Today was your first day really riding Sierra, and holding the reins by youself. Your sisters were riding, following a lesson I taught, and you asked if you could ride also. Sierra has been with our family for almost 14 years, and bought her for Jonah (almost 15yo brother) when he was your age! 14-months old.

You did have a hard time stretching your legs down and around her tummy, which is very normal. You didn't ride for too long before you said you were done, but sure loved it. I am so proud of you!!! I'm going to need to get a hard hat that's your side shortly here. Right now you have such a death grip on my arm while trying to be confident too :)