For a moment I want to write, not to Emily, but thoughts from today.
This morning after awakening with my beautiful daughter next to me, I sat quietly with pondering thoughts. I thought about how two years ago I had spent the last handful of months crying. Wondering why, after helping others have children, was it so difficult to find the right donor for our family? Three years I had been looking, talking with different potential donors, and when it didn't feel right I had to move on and keep looking. for six months a very good friend debated donating before he felt it wouldn't be the best decision for himself - a decision I now thank him for, but at the time was hard. I remember sobbing in the car of another friend while she listened to me and tried to give me words of hope.... and crying when I was by myself so no one else had to listen to me. Why??? Three children I helped to give life to, two families I finished.... why was it so difficult to finish my family?
I so deeply wanted this child, and although I held her in my heart and loved her so much, my arms craved to hold her. I pleaded to fate, prayed and hoped, and wondered if it ever was going to be. Was I going to have to accept that as much as I loved and wanted this child, it just wasn't meant to happen? Even just typing this my eyes are filling with tears.
I have never had to go through the pain of infertility, but I feel I was being given a partial taste of what it is like for a hopeful mother looking for a surrogate, month after month - I can't imagine what it would be like to stand in her shoes completely :( I have so much respect for those who completely trust and hand this child of theirs, who has been held so close in their heart, to another to carry and grow. What trust.
As I sat this morning, my sleeping daughter still well in dream land, I thought of how this man came to my house. We walked the property and met the animals, ate dinner, and he disappeared in to the bathroom. When it was my turn, I remember holding this cup and it felt unreal. I remember just looking at what was inside. There I held what potentially could end up being my dream come true. Not for another couple, not to create what they wished for more deeply then anything else in the world.... but for my family. A sibling my children so very much wanted. I loved this child so much, could this be it? In my hands the possibility was real, and all because of a man who gave a part of himself. I couldn't thank him enough, and I don't feel I ever will be able to. In my daughters eyes, smile, laughter, walk, touch hugs and kisses, I see him. And I thank him.... every single day. She is here because of him. She is my daughter because of him.
I tried to give my thanks by including him in all I could. The antisipation of testing to see if she was on her way. I blogged so he could read about the morning sickness, food cravings, the difficulty of walking and the body pain. I took pictures, and shared my growing tummy. I welcomed his love for her, as my love for my surrogate daughters had been welcomed also.
I didn't want to know if this dream child was a boy or a girl, I wanted to wait and be surprised. I wanted to hold on to this magic for as long as possible. I gave him the option to know though, and the ultrasound tech showed him. He kept the secret to himself.
When Emily was born, surrounded by three excited siblings, I looked... and as much as I had hoped for a boy, this little girl, within a micro-second, became my world. Even now, I still remember the feeling of her being born and lifting her out of the water and to my chest. She was mine to raise and guide in this world. And the man who gave that possibility to me, a sister to three siblings who cried when they were told she was on her way, was right there as well. That same day, he became a father.
I remember experiencing feelings that I wasn't prepared for, but left me with so much respect for intended mothers in the surrogate world. I remember feeling fear of Shing bonding "too much" with Emily. How much time time with should I give? How much was right and fair for his emotions? Would I actually unknowingly be hurting him by giving him all the time with her he wanted those first few days? Would he fall too much in love with her and try to claim father rights? I did struggle inside with these emotions, and thought of intended mothers who finally hold their baby and wonder how much bonding they should allow their surrogate to experience. Did they struggle with these emotions? For the IMs who choose not to let their surro spend much time with the baby, is it more out of trying to protect their surros heart? Do IMs experience emotions they didn't expect? I can only imagine they do. I can only imagine what I experienced was the tinist fraction of what IMs experience...... I felt a newfound thanks to my IM (as well as IFs) for all they gave and freely allowed me to experience during the first week of their child finally being here with them.
I often thought back to what meant so much to me as a surrogate, and gave that to Shing. Pictures, visits, updates - down to tiny details, but more then anything the freedom to love her however much and deeply he wanted. It felt to be one of the most greatest returns of thanks I could possibly give him.
On a more difficult note... I remember, as I stood there with my first postitive pregnancy test for Emily, feeling such thrill, tears of thanks... as well as an immense amount of guilt and sadness. Although I was happy, I hurt also. Why was it so easy for me to get pregnant? It seemed so unfair. Unfair when there are so many women who try month after month, year after year, to have a baby. Who are told they are unable to carry and have to look down another path should they wish to experience motherhood... even having to turn to asking another woman to carry her child for her. I felt as though I didn't have the right to experience such joy when there were so many who anguished every day :(
I didn't expect to be a surrogate again, I thought Emily was going to be my last. I was going to carry a sibling for her dad, but sadly that wont be happening for reasons that I think will always hurt Shing's and my heart :( I would like to help another couple though, if the right ones are there again. I wonder if fate has that in store? I wonder.
To this amazing man who gave the ability for my daughter to make it here to me, and for my childrens little sister to make it here to them, thank you. Thank you for our daughter. So beautiful and strong, so very smart and caring. She is a dream come true, and loved by so many. She completes our family, and a family you will always be a part of also. She is one very lucky girl to have such a wonderful father. I feel so honored and blessed to be her mother.
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